i'm no long sure of anything  if i don't stop to think  my mind is not going to hurt me
but lately it seem  i'm confronted with alot of things iv being avoiding
fears,  solitude,   confusion

and i wounder if all this is really nessary .
i feel like if i don't belong anywere as much i push i feel more away and hurted
i haed this feeling

i miss having people i love arround i hate having  to scrifice things i think
i never could understand people enough to close eccept a few
i keep running without thinking

lately things feel kinda sad there too much pressure
i can bearly reconize anyone in the guild well to be honest i feel lonely, tired...
and mostly more distan then the rest ... there time i wish Seraphna was arround or kerius to talk to or strixus, i really do miss them, i could bask my head on the wall 1000 time and it won't bring them back at all.

i wounder how long where going to be stuck in or own little corner or even if someone will talk to me again. yeah i try to keep my head on my shoulder lots of time, is it really worth it ?
now i'm siting here ... what to do now ? ... how i ended up this way ?

i wish to forget... not feeling pressure taking a long rest...

honestly the more it gose the more i see people being nice and all ...but there thing that never really heal, things i never could let go... i try not to thing about this as i play but ... i'm just human after all.

iv being also playing Darksector on my new PS3 nice game really it short but nice if you like resident Evil serie, also i finished the Gundam00 first season can't wait to see the second season.

it not what i wished really ... i wished for somewhere to be with friends to enjoy the game to do stuff together not to worry about perfecting how to do this or that... honestly i could careless about the wowjutsu site or how far the other guild are... honestly they could have my foot up there for all i care all those thing creat rivality ... it just something stupid.

i would like to saygood bye to AHG even though they where harsh on me ... nor i never could completed my formation as a hunter ... honestly i feel broken and yet i stil keep going because i heard one of my friend ...someone i care deeply is still playing. this would be the first time i would call out to her if she read this.

i think i just hited the end of the rope for me.

Tags: confusion, friends, lonely, pensive, tired, worry
Current Music: Linkin Park - Somewhere I Belong

well today things are starting to change  ... dunno if there going down the same path but i decided to keep going .

even though i keep my neutral instinct tell me to keep my neutral face over everything, i just can't help it to feel soo sad... so many people where hurted ...  i even feel the weight getting  heavyer ... lots of good friends went there seperat ways. 

sometimes having a walk back to reality helps but i guess i'm to kind  and doing the best i can with all the effort i'm giving but sometime things feel empty now that i'm with the protectorate things are lively i tend to forget abit that i'm still hurt from last summer.

the sad things it wen your soo use to hear someone you like  her saying a  key phrase that stuck in your head and someone else saying it it feel like she  still saying it. also gundam 00 the first season is finish i'm rather sad that finish  but i can wait for the second season hoping it get intresting like the first season.

i will try to get up eventualy...  i'm still capable to get up for some reason i just can't stand doing nothing

Current Mood: crappy

since last time i wrighted things did change now things at work started to cool down at work i spend my time actualy focusing on paying  what i need to pay so in other word thing are going well iat work  since i can keep things in check for a while

the other part well in wow i still try to be there for my hunter but sometime wen i look at some of them i wish i would shoot myself in the head some just don't know what there doing plaine simple even after i posted the basic on the guild forum ... also i also realize lots of people want my place in the guild as c;ass lead but from expirence those i seen so far lack of something very important to me for be a class lead. and for this that why  i'm still holding to my title really i don't  really want power but be more with the people i do care about.

it the people i believe in i still miss those that left for X reason ... evnent though they have a good reason to leave i do miss there presence
Gabby is one of them but i know she doing okay that why i still  there for her

Tags: gabby strixus
Current Mood: thoughtful

things did change i could blame it on the paragon event but no this time it is different, everyone is walking the own ways

i wonder is it my arrival did all this?  did i do all this for nothing ?

i'm sick that people are sad  i can bearly enjoy something properly anymore  but i'm still needed in there  i still do think about  alot of good people who left gabby, strixus and others i do miss them greatly even though i still talk to gabby it seem  people grow distan there time i wished i'm wrong about these things but unfortunatly, it not the caisse

honestly now it feel like a war zone  i hate feeling lonely

 lately i finished Devil may cry 4  on the ps3  fun game  but i would expected abiit more from it really

Current Location: home
Current Mood: lonely
Current Music: Brillian Green - ash like snow

it being a while since i posted something here can't complaine much things are going stable
also the fact   i'm on my old computer because i end up breaking my main one so it under repair.
well at work things are startig to take shape, where finaly seeing the light at the end of the tunel sort of speaking
it being a rought few weeks iv being through but was worth the shot.

but also the one i care more then anything Gabby isn't doing too well i try to talk to her dunno she event want to speak
it like a part of her was ripped completly i keep trying to get through her even though she not answering me i will keep trying
otherwise i won't be able to look myself in the mirrior.

but  life is like that trying to find the just middle of things i do miss my friends on wow i do feel abit left out
but honestly these last few days without wow made me realized there alot more then just wow maybe we all
need that slap to reality once in while .

honestly i'm lso fighting my own solitude and rightnow being able to land on my feet sure really came handy

Tags: gabby where ever you are, my though are with you
Current Location: home
Current Mood: calm

i look at the people smiling happy,
this happynes dose it really last?
is love is really love or just away
to breif escape of or lonely self?

the love that we get at the price
of someone sadness. who was that sad person?
wen i look to the window i
once dreamed happy dreams,
was these moment where only dreams?

as we walk down this road is there
really a  end ? this road witch i walked alone
since i was born... smiling event if it hurts

a smile that  hiding my true feelings, feelings
of a heart broken person forced to keep walking...
walking in this dark road without looking back...
not even wanting to walk this road witch we all try to escape

Current Mood: nauseated

sometime i feel like i,m the one paying for the others
everyone is happy wen i 'm sad and wen i,m happy people are sad
it like a twisted circle that dose not stop...

i 'm just so sick of always fighting but honestly if i run away nothing will change i feel like i 'm cornered but i keep telling to myself yes time will heal things but honestly it not the more it gose the less i feel i want to wake up or wen i wake up i feel more tired then the last day

i wake up only because i have work  or because i kick myself in the butt to wake up forcing myself to smile wen i don't feel like it i try to smile because i don't want to worry others but what do they really care ?
do i really have any friends at all ?
or it just a illusion i 'm making myself?

i don't know and don't reconize anything anymore sometime i wish certain things to be like it was all i see now is just anything the turn my stomack and every time i think my feeling hurts and i feel my mind froze

i never asked for this but i 'm stuck with it it feel like the joke is on me

Current Mood: lonely

honestly i feel like my life was being turn upside down..
seem mine got more chaotic, having ether both good times and bads one
also i had a few stress taken off my shoulder from my job now that my job is being save after 2 years of struggle to keep it

seem it the only thing i have of real now there time i want to spend more in my job and stop thinking because if i do it hurts and i still hang on the past like something is not letting me go or maybe it me who can't let it go i could blamed all on what happen 3 months back... so what ?

i have all the right to be angry all the right to be depress, but i 'm sick of it , i 'm sick that people toying with my feeling and discard me because on the fact i 'm a kind person. i could damm myself all i want, but nothing will change if not forced.

i work hard try to fix things and what do i get a other slap on the face ... that just plain wrong here.

the only reason i 'm wrighting this i needed to let it out somehow before it just gos to my head and make my self flip a lid or start to bite someone's head off.

but who care what i think i guess

despite the fact  i have a big heart i end up being clumzy and hurt people around me

honestly  i keep hearing things that make me doubt in my mind and i try to bottle it up to avoid letting out on someone i do care allot about Gabby but sometime i feel like she too good for me sometimes i feel like i don 't belong there but she always there reminding me that i 'm not alone.

i do care a lot about her i could say many words but it won't describe how much i don't expect anyone to be perfect i just love here because i can feel her. and that relation is probable my big  treasure. and because what happen 4 month back and now i feel that relation treated and i don't want too loose it.

i don,t want to be sad anymore i 'm still believe if you want someone with you there time life will be rough now it that time that is rough and also people think i push things a bit over the edge, honestly with the experience i had in the pass i do get wrap up a bit and i 'm not perfect but i working hard to change this to forge myself better

having some one that i can believe in even she  alway distracted but never loose her smile it kinda comforting really there times i loose what i should believe in in her way she there to remind me. i wish sometimes i could be less wraped around what i hear. sometime i feel greedy about certain friends because i don't have many much left

honestly there a lot of moments i wanted to share with her but never could or some that where lost due to some event  or because i 'm just plain clumsy